


Keeping your head up

by sonhoedesrazao



Series: Desember 2016 [2]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mostly Fluff, and some corny shit, bro squad and girl squad and new squad, overuse of eskimo kisses, with some serious discussions in between
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-21
Updated: 2016-12-31
Packaged: 2018-09-10 21:33:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 11,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8940181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sonhoedesrazao/pseuds/sonhoedesrazao
Summary: Onsdag 22.12.16 - Lørdag 31.12.16.





	1. Chapter 1

_Onsdag 22.12.2016 14.18_

Pappa

14.03

Isak, mom would like us to have Christmas dinner with her. What do you think?

Sure

You can invite your boyfriend. We’d like to meet him.

Ok. I’ll ask him

*

He stares at the message.

He’s talked more with his parents since the concert than in the past six months. At first because he felt guilty for bailing on them and felt he owed an explanation—though he didn’t give specifics, they know he went to meet Even—and after that, it was just easier to keep in touch. Mom asked how Even was doing. Dad called the next day and Isak let them know they were together, though it all still felt fragile and uncertain, with Even depressed on his bed. He was so skittish his dad asked, “So is he your boyfriend or not?” Isak had lowered his voice. “We’re together right now. I mean, I don’t know what’s going to happen, but… we’re good.” His dad had laughed quietly. “That’s a wise way of going about it.”

So it’d been easy. Except now they wanted to meet Even.

Sure, he met Even’s parents and it went fine. But Even’s parents are chill—and so relieved at seeing their son well again that Isak thought they were willing to cut him some slack—whereas “chill” was not a word he had ever associated with his own parents. He hasn’t told them about Even being bipolar and the idea makes him feel uncomfortable in a dozen different ways. _They were fine with you having a boyfriend_ , he reminds himself. But what if they disapprove when they learn the rest? It’s a horrible thought, but it's there anyway. His parents got divorced over his mother’s illness, and there’s this voice in the back of his head that tells him that he and Even might end up the same way. What if his father tells him to end it before it goes bad?

Isak won’t, of course. The only thing he knows for sure right now is that he’ll fight for them until there’s no other way. But it’d still be awful to hear it.

And his mother…

Isak has no idea what his mother would think about _anything_.

“Hey. Are you listening?” Sana’s voice startles him, and he’s suddenly back in his kitchen.

Theoretically she’s here for Noora. The flat was overtaken by the girls, who have been squealing about something or other in the living room, louder since they were joined by Eskild ( _Sorry for having fun, Isak!_ ). When he went past to get some water, he overheard Vilde talking about Magnus and made his way quickly to the kitchen. But Sana had come say hi and they just started to talk. Or were talking, until the message arrived.

“Sorry.” He lowers his phone. “What were you saying?”

“What’s up?” she asks instead.

He hesitates, then just hands over his phone. She reads the conversation and nods slowly, hiding a smile. Sana is always hiding a smile, like she knows something you don’t.

She usually does.

“Hm,” she murmurs. “You’re going to invite him?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why not?” She sounds confused and slightly disapproving.

“I haven’t told them about Even being… y’know.”

“A boy?”

He rolls his eyes. “Bipolar. It’s just that my mom is also… I mean, she has some problems. And _they_ had some problems because of it…”

She nods thoughtfully and doesn’t answer right away. He appreciates that about Sana. She really thinks about what you say to her, and usually thinks a lot about what you say back. If you’re a friend, of course. If not, she _will_ destroy you and walk over the broken pieces.

“Is Even having another episode?” she asks.

“No.”

“So he’s fine?” He nods. “Then why are you expecting to discuss your boyfriend’s mental health at Christmas?”

“I…”

She raises an eyebrow. “You should ask him. It’s Christmas—if he’s uncomfortable with the idea and really doesn’t want to go, he’ll make an excuse. But maybe he’d _like_ to meet your parents.”

“You think?”

“He took you to meet his, didn’t he?”

He was just telling her about it earlier. “Yeah.”

“He’s serious about you.” She smiles. “And even if he doesn’t go, asking is a nice way to show him you’re serious too.”

He nods, mulling it over. “You’re very mature, did you know?”

A small smile. “I’ve been told.” 

“Sana!” Vilde appears on the kitchen. “What are you doing here? I’m not finished telling…” She glances at Isak then gives a meaningful look to Sana. “…things.”

“I’m coming, Vilde,” she says patiently, and when Vilde leaves them, “Stop smirking.”

He raises his hands. “I’m just glad I can go to my room and not hear about _things_.”

“Yeah? Magnus doesn’t want to talk?”

He groans, and Sana’s laughter trails out of the kitchen. This is all Even’s fault, he thinks, for giving Magnus good advice, and decides to tell him so in very stern terms—even if he’s smiling as he writes the message.


	2. Chapter 2

_Torsdag 22.12.16 kl 10.28_

If there’s one thing Isak thought he’d never have, it's  _this_.

They’re sitting in Kaffebrenneriet, wrapped up in layers and around each other, kissing lazily in front of a massive glass window. His coffee is forgotten and cold; at one point, he almost fell from the stool. Anyone could walk by, and the knowledge makes him giddy. Remnants of an old fear creep at the edges of his mind, but have no chance to take hold when Even touches his jaw, tilts his head to change the angle of his head, and tastes him without rush. Isak feels warm all over. Part of him is actually eager for someone to walk by and see them.

His boyfriend is beautiful. And he’s proud of him, of them, and almost _wants_ to be seen and asked about it. It’s a little dizzying, how Even makes him want to do things he only considered before at the dead of night, those half-formed dreams of living someone else’s life. It seems a miracle, still, sometimes, that this is _his_.

“So.” Even nudges his nose. He sounds ridiculously smug. “What was that about how distracting I am?”

“You’re terrible.” Isak tries to keep a straight face. “You don’t even care for my academic failure.”

“You got a 5 in Physics.”

“Exactly, before meeting you I always got a 6.”

“Tragic. We should break up, I’m a bad influence on you.”

“Yeah,” Isak agrees easily, pulling him into another kiss. Sometime later he asks, “Didn’t _you_ get some bad grades because of me? Actually, didn’t you miss like a shit-ton of classes?” The thought just occurs to him and his voice turns serious. “What about the ten percent?”

Even laughs. “Don't worry. Mom talked to them. And I’m caught up already.”

“Hm,” Isak murmurs appreciatively. “So smart.”

“You like that?”

“Yeah.”

Will he ever tire of this? The prospect seems absurd. Even’s hand on his face and neck, his breath near Isak’s face, the way it catches just for him when Isak does something with his tongue or presses his fingers against the pulse at his neck. Sometimes it’s messy and they miss each other’s mouths and Isak will laugh, half his face wet— _You have worse aim than a dog_ —but it’s also nice, in a sort of disgusting way he hopes he never has to explain to anyone. And sure, he loves when they’re alone and this is a prelude to _more_ —but he could spend hours like this, kissing without hurry, trying to speak without speaking and hoping Even understands.

He pulls back. Even looks at him, breathless, and he thinks, _As good a time as ever._

"So, what are you doing on the 24th?" His tone is casual, as if he hasn't been thinking about how to bring this up since yesterday.

"Home, I guess,” Even says. “Why?"

“My parents are having dinner and they want to meet you."

It goes as well as he expects. Even’s eyes widen; he looks down, lips forming a small familiar pout that means _I’m thinking._

It’s really cute.

"What do they, um… know about me?"

"That you exist," Isak says, drawing a small smile. “That we’re together. And I mentioned to my dad you’re a third year,” he adds. “It’s fine if you don’t want to, or if your parents want you to stay with them. They’ll understand. I mean, it’s Christmas.”

Even nods slowly. “Can I… check with my mom first?”

_Can I think about it, and see how freaked out I am by this?_

Isak smiles. “Yeah. Of course.”

Even knows he knows. He gives him an appreciative look that Isak replies with a kiss, a whole conversation going on between the lines. He knows not every talk can be this easy and wordless but the fact that sometimes it’s so simple makes him sure that this is _right_.

Even kisses him on the cheek, murmurs at his ear. “You’re so…”

But he doesn’t finish the thought, body tensing suddenly as he leans back.

His eyes are so often on Isak that he notices instantly when they focus on something else, and right now they’re glued on the line to the cashier. He looks over and sees a familiar face. It takes him a couple of seconds to place the guy, then he remembers—Even’s friend from the video. Mikael.

“Are you okay?” he asks.

“Yeah,” Even lies, dragging his eyes from Mikael like it’s an effort. 

“Are you… going over?”

Even inhales deeply, a little out breath, and no longer because of him. Isak recognizes that kind of panic. He saw it when Even was down and wanted to run from him, from _them_ , because he thought he’d ruin everything to the point Isak would hate him.

“I think you should go talk to him,” he says.

Even blinks. “You do?” He sounds small, but there’s longing in his voice, like he’s been hoping for a push.

Isak is more than glad to be the one that gives it. He cups the back of his head until Even looks at him. “Yeah. Don’t you miss him?”

He doesn’t know what happened there, but every time he brought up the man from the video Even evaded the topic. They clearly haven’t been speaking. Isak tries to imagine not seeing or talking to Jonas for a year, and his heart clenches at the thought that Even has been without his best friend for so long.

Even nods once and looks over—then inhales sharply, straightening his back. Isak follows his gaze and finds Mikael staring back at them.

But before either of them can move, Mikael starts making his way to where they sit.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” Even swallows.

There’s a bit of silence, which Isak fills hastily. “Mikael, right?” The boy nods. “Nice to meet you.”

Even snaps out of it. “This is, um. Isak. My boyfriend.”

“Nice to meet _you_.” Mikael smiles at him, then turns to Even. “I… heard you were dating.”

“From…?”

“Yeah.” Mikael nods. Isak’s lost for a second, then thinks: Sonja. Were they friends too? There is so much about Even he still doesn’t know.

Silence falls again, the tension quickly becoming uncomfortable, and Isak makes a snap decision.

“I should be going,” he says, hoping he’s not reading Even wrong.

“What?”

“I have to do… flat stuff. With Eskild.” And Even says he’s a bad liar. _Please_. “We’ll talk later?”

“Yeah,” Even agrees after a second’s hesitation. He looks a little dazed. “Alright.”

“See you, Mikael.”

The guy raises a hand and Isak squeezes Even’s shoulder as he leaves. When he’s outside, he sees Mikael sitting in his empty stool.

*

Even Kosegruppa

12.35

Hey. Everything ok? Sorry if you didn’t want me to go.

Yeah, it was good

He invited us over next week

Good call ❤

❤


	3. Chapter 3

_Fredag 23.12.2016 kl 17.53_

Magnus’s house has the best TV of them all, an over-the-top thing his dad keeps in a secluded room, which is why they love it when his parents aren’t home. As the Magnussons are travelling, they wasted an afternoon playing games and talking about nothing.

Isak arrived earlier—solo—and was met with confused looks. _Where’s Even? When is Even coming?_ “Um, I didn’t call him?” Magnus looked at him as if he just confessed to murder. _Why not?_ “I didn’t know I was supposed to? When it’s just us?” He wasn't sure what the protocol was here. When Eva and Jonas were dating she sometimes hung out with them, but it could get a little awkward, and Isak and the guys would groan and tease Jonas when the PDA got too gross. Isak didn’t want them to think he was now that person that couldn’t be without their significant other, and he didn’t want to assume that just because Even is a guy he’s now part of the group. But apparently he is, because all three of them insisted he texted him.

So now they’re sitting in Magnus’ kitchen eating toast (without cardamom) and drinking beer Even got them, while Magnus tells Even every single unnecessary detail about his days-old relationship with Vilde, as—with the exception of Jonas—he’s the only one of the five of them who has any experience with that sort of thing.

Even listens like it’s the most fascinating thing he’s ever heard, nodding thoughtfully and murmuring encouragement at all the right places. He’s got an arm over Isak’s shoulder and rubs his shoulder lazily. Isak leans against him, content to be silent.   

They haven’t been like this near the guys yet. Isak faltered at first, but then Even smiled at him and suddenly it was _chill_. It’s the Even effect, as he’s come to think of it, that feeling that whatever he does it’s fine, that Even has his back. He looks at his boyfriend talking with his friends, and can't help but smile.

Even turns to him when Magnus takes a break. “You’re staring.”

“You’re hot,” he says quietly.

Not quietly enough. The guys hoot, Jonas says “Get a room,” and Isak feels his cheeks heating, a little embarrassed but mostly from the way Even smiles back at him. And suddenly it’s fine to lean forward and kiss his boyfriend. Even cups his jaw and smiles into the kiss.

“Don’t be jealous,” Isak tells the boys.

“I’m not jealous, I have a girlfriend,” Magnus fires back.

A round of groans comes from the table.

“We _know_ , you remind us every five minutes,” Jonas mumbles from the other side of the table.

“Are you sure she _knows_ she’s your girlfriend?” Mahdi asks.

Magnus huffs. “She knows! And what, why can’t I talk about Vilde, when we had to hear Isak whine about Even for weeks?”

“Hey!” he protests.

Even leans forward across the tabletop. “Really? He whined?”

“When did I whine?” His voice comes out shriller than normal. “I didn’t even talk about him!”

“Not at first, because we didn’t _know_ about him,” Magnus points out, “but you were whining in silence _._ You were moping.”

“Yeah, dude,” Mahdi throws in. “You were in a bad mood for weeks.”

“Then he came over to your place and you didn't say anything cause you were too _busy_ , but then, like, the week after there was all that stuff about believing his ex and—” Magnus stops suddenly when Jonas puts a hand over his arm.

Isak freezes, feeling Even tense against him. He hopes someone will speak in the ensuing silence, but there's only Even's voice as he asks, "Sonja?” 

“Um. Yeah.” Isak fiddles with a piece of toast, suddenly unable to tear his eyes from it. “You know I called her that day. At the hotel.”

“Okay.” The word falls flat between them. “What did she say that you ‘believed’?”

From the corner of his eye, he sees Magnus covering his mouth with a hand. A heavy silence fills the room; Even’s hand has stilled over his arm.

“Um.” Isak licks his lips. He turns to look at Even but his eyes fall back down. His brain races, but comes up empty. The words leave one at a time, each one an effort. “She said you… weren’t in love with me. That you were just sick.”

He sees Even’s jaw tensing, his throat moving as he swallows. He takes a long moment to speak, and when he does his voice is low and controlled, and Isak can't read the emotions beneath it. “Is that why you stayed away?”

He nods, eyes still down.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

He takes a deep breath. “Because it was really fucking dumb of me to believe that, after everything you said. About how she wanted to control me. About feeling what you feel. I’m sorry. I should’ve believed you.”

“You _should_ have believed me,” Even agrees, and there's hurt in his voice. Isak releases a shaky breath, a stone in the pit of his stomach. But before he can say anything a hand tilts his chin up and he meets Even’s eyes. “But it’s okay.”

“It is?” he asks, breathless with relief.

Even nods, eyes still hard to read. “I’m sorry she said that.”

“It’s fine. She apologized.”

“What? When?”

“The morning you were sleeping in—after I met you at school. I just texted her to tell her you were with me,” he adds quickly, “cause I didn’t know if you’d told your parents, and she called back to say sorry. And—alright, I texted her again when you were depressed cause I didn’t know if you should be sleeping so much and she told me it was okay. So, yeah. That was cool of her.”

An incredulous smile touches Even’s face—brightening his eyes first, then spreading to his lips. “ _That was cool of her?_ ” he repeats, then closes his eyes for a second. “I can’t believe you sometimes.”

“What do you mean?” His stomach is still in knots. Is it really okay? Are they okay?

But apparently they are, because Even’s kissing him, just a soft press of lips, and he pushes back, fingers clutching his jaw, hoping to convey everything he tried putting into words. _I’m sorry_ and _I know better now_ and _I love you._

Even breaks the kiss but remains close, their foreheads and noses touching. Isak kisses the corner of his mouth.

Even sighs against him. “Just… promise me you won’t doubt me again. Not about _this_.”

“I won’t,” he says, not even a whisper. “I haven’t.”

“Okay.” Another smile, this one easier, lighting up his whole face, and just like that Isak knows it _is_ okay.

They pull back and Isak realizes his friends are nowhere to be seen. They’re alright, sometimes.

*

Magnus Fossbakken

18.03

fuck I’m so sorry bro!!!!!!!!

was he upset??

are you mad???

i can leave

magnus it’s your house

we’re good

no stress


	4. Chapter 4

_Fredag 23.12.16 kl 23.56_

Even Kosegruppa

23.24

Hey. Mom said I can spend Christmas with you. ❤

❤

*

Pappa

23.38

Hey dad. Even and I are coming to dinner tomorrow.

Can you and mom not mention the concert? I don't want him to feel bad because I left you that day

That's great Isak.

We won't say anything, don’t worry.


	5. Chapter 5

_Lørdag 24.12.16 kl 19.18_

Isak tries to hide a smile and fails.

“What?” Even asks at the door.

“You look nice.” His boyfriend is wearing a serious dark coat and a white shirt, hair perfectly in place _._ “Do you have a job interview?”

“Yeah, I have to convince these two people to let me date their son.”

“Oh yes, what will I _do_ if my parents don’t agree to give you my hand?”

“You’ll have to marry your wealthy but boring cousin and live in his parsonage. What movie?”

“I have no idea,” Isak sighs.

“ _Pride and prejudice._ Adding it to the list.”

“The list is becoming really fucking long,” he says. The _list_ is a real thing that Even keeps on his phone and updates constantly. “We’re never going to get through it.”

“We’ll die trying.” He gives Isak a kiss and lingers, nose touching his. “ _You_ look nervous.”

He scoffs. “I’m chill.”

“Chill?”

“So chill.”

“You’re a fucking horrible liar,” he laughs, and takes Isak’s hand. “Let’s go.”

They don’t speak on the way. Isak is not entirely chill, truth be told, and he knows Even isn’t either, but there’s an unspoken agreement not to ruin the moment by talking about it. It’s nice out. Freezing, but full of lights and a holiday feel in the air, and Even beside him on the way to meet his parents adds a layer of the surreal and wonderful.

When he thinks about last year’s Christmas and the person he used to be and how everything changed in such a short time, the whole thing feels a little magical. He wishes it would take them longer to get there, that they could walk the streets for hours, warm themselves with kisses and hugs and whispered words in the dark. I want to remember this, he thinks, and tries to stop thinking and just commit the moment to memory. Even’s hand, his profile in the dark, a smile he sends Isak’s way. And, soon, too soon, they’re home.

He hasn’t been here since he left, but as soon as he gets to the threshold he’s hit by a wave of familiarity that makes something hurt in his chest. He braces himself, forcing his nerves to settle, and knocks.

His mom opens the door with a smile, raises her chin to be able to look at Even and beams at him too. Even has to bend halfway to meet her cheek. He does it with such a dazzling smile that his mother actually pats his cheek as he pulls away, looking a little surprised.

“Come on in, boys.”

The house is actually decorated, something they haven’t done in years, not since she got worse. Today there’s a full-sized Christmas tree, a whole nativity scene and the table is set with thematic plates and actual candles.

“Wow,” Even says quietly.

“Trust me, this is not how it usually goes,” Isak says.

His dad is sitting in the couch, watching a Christmas choir on TV, and gets up when he hears them coming. Isak makes the introductions and for a second they just stand there in silence.

Even breaks it smoothly. “The house looks lovely. My parents can’t be bothered to decorate, we just make a bigger mess.”

“Let me show you around,” his mom offers, and walking gives them a chance to avoid conversation—and gives Even a chance to tease him about old photos his mom still keeps on the walls, although Isak’s been asking her to take them down for _years_.

They help his mother set the table—she went all out, there’s enough pinnekjøtt to last until next year—and in the hustle of sitting and pouring drinks and serving themselves, Isak believes they’ll make it through this without anything too awful. Then his mother turns to Even.

“Isak never brought anyone for us to meet before,” she says, practically cooing. “It’s nice that he’s serious about someone.”

“Mom…”

“What, I can’t be glad you have your first boyfriend?”

“Is he your first boyfriend too?” his father asks Even.

“Um, no. I had a girlfriend for four years. She went to school with me.”

He glances at Isak, as if to remind him he’s the first boy. He’s told Isak that he’s hooked up with boys before, but never like this. _This_ , whatever it is, that they try not to define or obsess too much about. _You’re the only one_ , Even said once, and it’s enough. Isak gives him a small, private smile.

“So you guys met at school?” his father asks.

“Yeah,” Isak says distractedly. “At a kosegroup meeting.”

“ _You_ were in the _kosegroup_?”

“It was to, um…” _Get my drugs back._ “Support some friends who organize the thing.”

“Isak said you’re a third year, Even.”

“Yes.”

“And you’d never met before?”

Even takes a sip of water. “I went to Bakka last year.”

Isak is ready to veer the conversation into safer grounds, but his mom beats him to it. “Stop interrogating the boy.”

“I’m just getting to know him,” his father mutters.

“What do you like to do, Even?”

“I’m… really into filmmaking.”

His dad perks up. “Oh? You like movies?”

“That’s an understatement,” Isak says, rolling his eyes.

“I love cinema,” his father continues. “Isak never appreciated it.”

“Dad,” he whines.

“It’s true.”

“You just like those black and white things from, like, 1850.”

His dad sighs. “You like the classics, Even?”

“Yeah, of course,” and the worse part is, he sounds actually excited.

Thus starts a conversation that makes his boyfriend seemingly forget about him. Isak knew Even was a total nerd, but he wasn’t aware he could name every single actor who ever played Dracula, nor that he apparently loves Christmas movies and can quote from _Journey to the Christmas star_.

“Oh my god,” he mutters. “That’s horrifying.”

“I love that movie,” his mother says.

“How can you not love it?” Even asks.

“Oh my _god_.”

Twenty minutes or so later Even turns to him in the middle of a talk Isak is not even keeping up with anymore. “You’ve seen The Godfather, right?”

He groans. “It’s too long.”

“Too _long_? You’ll spend fourteen hours bingewatching Breaking Bad but The Godfather is too long? I’m—”

“Adding it to the list, yes.”

He tries to roll his eyes but he can’t stop smiling, and presses Even’s hand beneath the table.

A while later, they’re full with dessert and Isak receives his gifts—clothes from his mother and a gift card from his father, who knows better than to try and buy him things—while his mother apologizes for not getting Even anything, because _we didn’t know what you’d like, Isak told us so little_.

Then his dad turns to him. “Go help your mother with the dishes.”

Isak looks at him and glances at Even, then back at his father, eyes narrowed.

“Go on,” his dad says, shooing him.

Even gives him a little nod, and he gives his father a pointed look. “I’ll be _right_ back.”

He finds his mother setting the plates on the sink. “Do you need help?”

She turns at the sound of his voice. “Oh! No. Don’t worry.”

She quickly dries her hands, then leans back against the sink. They look at each other in silence. Isak bites his lip. There are many things he wishes to say or ask. He wants to apologize, and thank her, and tell her that he understands her better now, but it’s still a hard bridge to cross, and for all he changed these past few months, the words don’t come easily.

She approaches him instead, touches his face with a gentle hand.

“Your boyfriend is handsome,” she says conspiratorially.

He laughs, surprised. “I’ve been told. So… you like him?”

She tilts her head. “What’s not to like?”

That’s what he asks himself. The answer loosens some of the tension in the air and inside him.

“You look good, mom. Are you doing well?”

“I _am_. I’ve been trying some new medication, you know. It’s working much better than last time.”

“That’s good.”

“And _you_ look so happy.” She’s beaming. “Is that all because of him?”

It’s more than just Even—it’s the fact he’s no longer lying, overthinking his every step, afraid that he’ll slip up and they’ll _know_. It’s the fact he’s no longer miserable living with this person he created to wear his skin. It’s the fact everyone around him, everyone that matters, knows the things that scared him the most and they don’t care. On the contrary, they love him for it. But a big part of it is Even, and the fact is none of it would’ve happened if Isak hadn’t met him.

“Yeah,” he says, in short.

“Then I love him already.”

Isak smiles. Hesitates. And leans forward, feeling warm and safe and close to her for the first time in so long. “So do I,” he confesses. His mother doesn’t say _you’re too young_ or _it’s too soon_ , just nods thoughtfully and brings his head down to kis him on the forehead. He swallows the lump in his throat. “Now help me save him from dad.”

An hour later they’re out in the cold again again, Even carrying enough sweets to give him diabetes and an invitation to show up again whenever he wants to.

Isak releases a breath and puts his arm around his boyfriend’s waist. “So that went well. Did my father demand to know your intentions?”

“Nah. He was just telling me how relieved he was that someone finally wanted to date you. He thought it was hopeless.”

Isak rolls his eyes. “No, he didn’t.”

Even laughs. “No. He said…” His smile recedes. “He said it was good seeing you so happy, and that he could see we were good for each other.”

“That’s nice.”

Even doesn’t answer. When Isak looks over, there’s a familiar pout on his face.

“What is it?”

Even takes a moment to answer. “I feel like I tricked them.”

Isak laughs, shakes his head. “What? Why?”

“They think I’m a perfect boyfriend.”

“You are,” he teases, squeezing his waist. “I mean, other than the fact I’d rather be with you than study…”

“It’s a lie,” Even states flatly, stopping in his tracks. “They don’t know what I put you through. What I still might put you through.”

Isak blinks. He turns to face Even and looks at him for a long moment, framing his face with his hands. He remembers another night, not long ago, when he did the same. Another night when he desperately needed Even to believe him.

“They like you because you like old movies,” he says, “because you’re smart and sweet and likes my kid photos. And because you make me happy. What part of that is a lie?”

“It’s not the whole of it. When they find out the rest, they might think differently.”

Two days ago Isak feared so too, yet now he shakes his head. His voice is firm and sure, his heart lighter than he remembers being in a long time, and he presses closer until their faces are almost touching. “No, they won’t. You know how I know? Because they only care that I’m happy. And I am happy with you, and you’re not lying to _me_.”

Even releases a breath, closes his eyes, and gives a small nod. He opens his mouth like he might say something—but then just leans forward and kisses him.

Isak closes his eyes, and the Christmas lights disappear around him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy holidays, everyone! Thank you for reading. ❤


	6. Chapter 6

_Mandag 26.12.2016 kl 13.15_

Vilde Hellerud Lien

13.15

Hey Isak. Sorry if you’re having sex but could you come out?

I need to ask Even something.

*

Even laughs into his neck, his whole body shaking where’s lying next to Isak. They were not, in fact, having sex, but the prospect of leaving the warmth of his bed is, at best, unappealing.

“Don’t. It can’t be anything good.”

“I’m curious,” Even says. “And I like Vilde.”

“You like everyone. It’s a real character flaw.”

“Okay. Want to have sex so she’ll leave us alone? We’ll have to be loud, though.”

Isak rolls his eyes. “I’m just saying ignore h…”

Even lets out an exaggerated moan that’s probably heard in the next flat.

“Oh my _god_. Alright.”

His shameless boyfriend looks delighted. Isak can’t stay mad when Even kisses him and pulls him up, but he grumbles all the way to the door.

All five girls are sitting around their center table eating lunch out of boxes, while Noora’s shitty music plays on the background.

“What is it, Vilde?” he snaps. “No, don’t sit, we’re leaving—”

But Even has already taken a seat on the couch. Isak sighs, but plops down beside him. Grudgingly.

Vilde glares at him. “For someone in the kosegroup, you should learn to socialize more. Being nice wouldn’t hurt you.” Then she smiles sweetly, a toothy grin. “Hi, Even. Thanks for coming.”

“Of course. What did you want to ask?”

“Well, we’re having a New Year Eve’s party…”

“My parents aren’t home,” Chris explains. “We’re going to drink until we fall and wreck the place.”

“Sounds good,” Even approves. 

“And you two are totally invited,” Eva says. “Want to come?”

Isak starts making an excuse at the same time Even says, “Sure. We don’t have plans.” He pulls Isak closer with an arm. “Do we have plans?”

“No, but…”

“It’ll be fun.” Even smiles, then outright laughs when Isak groans.

“It _will_ be fun,” Vilde agrees enthusiastically. “Also, we were wondering if you have any third year friends who might be interested.”

“I can’t believe you’re using him to get third years to come to your party!” Isak protests.

“I’m not _using_ him, I’m just asking!”

“I know some people,” Even says, “but I don’t know if they already have plans. I can ask, though.”

“Do you know Kristoffer and Jon?” Vilde asks.

“Or Thomas?” Sana adds. “That’d be good.”

“Yeah. I’ll ask.”

“You’re friends with them?” Isak asks, surprised. “I didn’t know you were that popular.”

“It’s my good looks and charm,” Even says, raising an eyebrow. Then he adds, “Well, friend _ly_. I mean, they still talk to me after I disappeared for a week and the whole school was saying I lost my mind, so I guess we’re friends.”

“That’s great!” Vilde beams. “Not that, um, you know. But that you have friends and they might come! We need some new people around. I’m not thinking about myself, you know, because I have a boyfriend now…”

“We know,” Isak says.

“…but we need to help Noora.”

Noora startles. “Help _me_?” she asks with a frown.

“Yes. Oh! We should call some _girls_ , too,” she adds as an afterthought, giving Noora a meaningful look.

Noora sighs. “What do you mean, help me?”

Everyone shares a look. Vilde answers carefully. “Help you meet some new people. Hook up with someone, you know? To start getting over William.”

“I don’t need to _get over_ William,” Noora says. “Because we’re not _over_.” Everyone falls silent and she throws her hands in the air. “God! You’re worse than Eskild.”

“What about me?”

Eskild swoops in as if on cue and makes a dramatic entrance—though every entrance is dramatic with Eskild. He drops his groceries right on the floor and jumps in between Noora and Sana.

“She’s pushing me to hook up with people. Like you, telling me to get Tinder.” She shakes her head. “I’m not single.”

He sighs deeply. “You’re not exactly in dating either, are you?” Noora’s expression falls and his voice becomes softer. “Look, I’m sorry, maybe I’m wrong but—”

“Yeah, you were wrong with me,” Isak pipes up.

Eskild frowns. “What?”

“You know, when you told me Even would never break up with his girlfriend.”

Even gasps in mock indignation, and Eskild starts sputtering.

“That’s _not_ what I said, Isak! God, I was just saying it was _unlikely_ that a guy would do that. But I didn’t _know_ Even at the time.” He smiles at Even apologetically. “I do now.” He sends a little air kiss. “Love you.”

Even laughs. “Well, I’ll ask,” he says to the girls, already typing on his phone.

“And hey, I’m single too,” Eva says.

“What about Chris?” Sana asks, with an eyebrow raised.

“We’re not serious or anything.”

“Didn’t he come to Christmas with you?” Isak asks. “That sounds kind of serious.”

“Come on, it’s _Chris_ , he doesn’t think like that. And he’s got plans with his friends, so I’ll be entirely free to hook up with third years.”

“Good for you.” Chris high-fives her.

“You don’t have to hook up with anyone,” Sana says to Noora, the voice of reason. “But there’s no harm in having fun and meeting new people either.”

“Fine. Let’s change the subject.”

It’s sometime later, when Even’s gone home and the house falls silent again, that he walks past Eva and Noora huddled in the couch.

“Oh. Hey. Thought you left.”

“Not yet,” Eva says. “We were talking about you, actually.”

"About _me_?"

"You and Even. He had a girlfriend, then." She sounds casual, but Isak knows her.

“You know Vilde send me a text about the rumors, right? I know you were gossiping about it. It was all over the school.”

They both look extremely guilty.

“We told her not to say anything…” starts Noora.

Isak stares her down. “Oh, and you didn’t talk about meeting him here those two times?”

Noora opens her mouth, but nothing comes out. “I—I might have mentioned something, but none of us said _anything_ at school, I swear.”

“I know.” He can laugh about it now, at least, though he remembers how his stomach churned when he read Vilde’s message. “The rumor started in the first year and it was sort of my fault for being a dick… anyway. I trust you. Well, not Vilde so much…”

“She didn’t say anything, either, just among us,” Eva says. “She was actually worried about you. Just in her own Vilde way, which can be a little… inappropriate.”

“Yeah.”

“But,” Eva returns to the topic. “He did have a girlfriend!”

“Yeah. Sonja."

"How long had they been together?"

"Four years."

"Four years," Noora groans, covering her face. "And he leaves her for Isak after knowing you for—what? A couple of months?"

"Seven weeks," he says. "Or five, if you count the first time, but that didn't stick and... what?"

Noora is leaning back on the couch and looking pitifully at Eva. "How amazing is that? Why can't William be like that?” She turns to Isak. "Even loves you so much."

He feels a blush creeping up his face. "Um..." Even's told him he loves him, sure, but that was on a text when he was depressed and he hadn't brought it up again. Not that he doubts Even's feelings for him, but hearing Noora say so in such a way—like it's the unquestionable truth—makes his heart speed up. "He and Sonja weren't doing very well anyway," he mumbles.  "Before I even met him."

"Still," Eva says, "a lot of guys would just have tried to have both. Stayed with their girlfriends and hook up with you on the side." Eva smiles, like she's genuinely happy for him. Isak's missed her a lot. "He looooves you," she half sings.

"Which is obvious," Noora adds, hands joined over her face to cover her smile. "It's adorable."

“He can’t keep his hands off you,” Eva is grinning ear to ear.

"Alright, jeez. So what are you doing about William?"

Noora looks down. Isak hasn’t known her very well for that long, but he’s starting to realize how strong she is—and how much she doesn’t want people to see her hurting, even when there are so many people who care. It puts him in mind of Even, and he feels for her.

“I don’t know,” she says.

Isak nods and they fall into silence. He thinks about how life didn’t turn out to be the perfect romance he’d first dreamt when Even kissed him on that pool. It was complicated and messy, and it involved uncertainty and fear a lot of the time, but he’s very much aware—now more than ever—of how lucky he is. _Even chose him_. The fact makes him think he can weather anything.  

“I’m sorry,” he says finally. “That it didn’t work out the way you hoped.”

Noora gives a sad, small smile. “Thanks, Isak.”

He leaves them to it.


	7. Chapter 7

_Tirsdag 28.12.16 kl 22.47_

“Oh! You should meet my mother sometime,” Magnus says. “She’s bipolar too.”

“Um,” Even starts, taken aback. “Really?”

As is often the case with Magnus, the statement doesn’t follow logically from the conversation, which had previously focused on the Russ from Even’s year and what he knew of their plans. Isak and Jonas had always told each other they wouldn’t take part in it, finding themselves above all that, but Even accurately called them out on their bullshit. And then, by some bizarre thought association, Magnus broke out with that. 

They’re wasting another day away, this time at Jonas’. Isak is comfortably settled on the couch, leaning on Even's chest and eating take out. At Even’s other side there is Magnus, shaking his boyfriend's shoulders.

“Yeah! I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before!” Magnus goes on, hitting his own head. “I told her about you.”

Magnus is so unfiltered and earnest that sometimes the awkwardness doesn’t have time to settle. Even seems to go from uncomfortable to amused in a second. “Yeah, alright.”

“You talk about Even more than I do,” Isak mumbles.

“I find that hard to believe,” Magnus fires back.

“Anyway,” Jonas cuts through the talk, “you’re not doing it, then?”

Even shakes his head, resigned. “If I graduate at all, I’ll consider myself lucky.”

Isak squeezes his arm. “Course you will. And hey, more time to dedicate to _me_ ,” he jokes.

Even rolls his eyes. “So needy.”

“Yeah, weren’t you that said desperate isn’t sexy?” Mahdi asks. “Where are your moves now?”

“You used to be better than this, man,” Jonas says, shaking his head.

“He did?” Even raises an eyebrow, looking very unconvinced.

The guys share a look.

“Um, yeah?” Magnus says. “Isak’s the smoothest of us all.”

Even actually laughs out laugh, almost choking on his sandwich. “Isak has game? I don’t remember seeing that.”

“He’s great with girls,” Mahdi says. “Smooth as fuck.”

“Nah, you guys are lying.” He pokes Isak on the side until Isak turns to face him. “You wouldn’t even look me in the eye.”

Isak shrugs, rolling his eyes, though a blush is creeping up his neck. “I didn’t with _you_ ,” he mutters. “Because I _liked_ you.”

“Aaah,” Even says, obviously pleased. “Good to know. So if you’re ever smooth with me, I should be worried?”

“Not necessarily, I’m getting used to liking you. When you least expect, I’ll swoop you off your feet.”

Even kisses him, quick and hard. “Already did.”

Magnus awws, Mahdi pretends to be sick, and Jonas just grins.

“Some of us are still single and sad, you know,” Jonas says. “Do you have to be so in love all the time?”

“Why are you single? Let’s get you a girlfriend,” Even says.

“Ooh, yes,” Magnus agrees. “Let Even coach you. Worked for me.”

“Can’t be that hard, you have a guitar.” Even points to the thing, leaning on a wall. “You play?”

“Yeah. Do you?”

Even shrugs. “I’m decent.”

“Have you serenaded Isak yet?” Magnus asks.

“Who do you think I am?” Isak asks, at the same time Even says, “Sure.”

Jonas grins in a way that doesn’t bode well. “You should know Isak likes corny music. Like Jason Mraz.”

“Oh, wow, man,” Mahdi shakes his head.

“He has some good songs,” Even says, conciliatory. “I like his old stuff.”

Isak rolls his eyes. “ _His old stuff_! You’re such a hipster.”

“It’s not my fault it’s better! Did you know he used to rap?”

“What, really?” Jonas asks.

“Yeah. May I?”

Jonas nods and Even untangles himself from the couch. He takes the guitar, settles on the floor in front of Isak and Magnus, and thrums it for a few moments before starting to play in earnest.

He’s more than decent. Isak might be biased when it comes to Even, but his voice is smooth and he goes easily over the words in English, fingers moving without thought, the song a fast one Isak’s never heard. He sings it for a couple of minutes, then trails off into humming. But his fingers are still moving, and slowly the rhythm shifts from the fast-paced song to a calmer one, the transition so skilled it’s imperceptible. And suddenly he’s singing something else, his voice softening with the melody.

Even raises his eyes to him, a small smile on his lips that tinges the edges of every word. Isak’s breath catches in his throat.

“ _And I’ve seen a thousand things in one place… but I stopped my counting when I saw your face. Erasing memories, well, I feel as though I’ve never seen a face before—until I saw your eyes…_ ”

Yeah, Isak thinks, he’s doing this. Serenating me in front of my friends. He bites the inside of his mouth, tries to remember how to breathe.

He always thought it was crap—those movies or books where two people look at each other and the rest of the world disappears, as if you could truly forget where you are because you _saw_ someone. To Isak, who always used to be so aware of himself and his environment at all times, it seemed absurd. But the truth is, when he’s with Even sometimes it’s an effort to remember there are other people, that he should be concern or embarrassed. Even is playing for him and looking at him like they don’t have to think or worry about anything else, and Isak gets drawn into it. It's not a bad feeling at all. 

He comes back to himself when Magnus starts clapping enthusiastically.

“Now _that_ ,” Jonas judges, “was _very_ corny.”

Even winks at his friend, though his eyes fly back to Isak. “It worked, didn’t it?”

Yeah, Isak thinks, breaking into a smile. It worked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What is the point of this chapter? None, my friends. I'm just corny af. And wanted Even to be a Mraz hipster, because I myself am one. He plays "Curbside Prophet" and "1000 Things", btw. Thank you for reading!


	8. Chapter 8

_Onsdag 28.12.16 kl 17:44_

Even Kosegruppa

10.45

Hey. I have a doctor appointment today. Then mom wants to visit my aunt…

The one with the pool?

Hahaha I swear she’s real. And she does have a pool.

Ok. Call me later?

Yeah

Miss you already ❤

❤

*

17.44

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“Did you have a good swim?”

“No swimming, just my mother telling the whole family about you.”

“What? Really?”

“ _Even has a new boyfriend, Inger. He’s very handsome.”_

“Shut up, your mother didn’t call me handsome.”

“You’re right, she said pretty.”

“Did she really tell your aunt about me?”

“My aunt, my uncle, my ten-year-old cousin. You know our neighbors know about you?”

“ _What_?”

“The day after you met my parents, I found mom on the hall telling mrs. Jensen who lives next door. Apparently she thinks our music is too loud, but she’s glad I found a nice boy.”

“I’m not a nice boy. I’m tough and dangerous.”

“You’re such a nice boy. The nicest. _My_ nice boy.”

“… shut up.”

“Anyway, there followed three hours of gossiping over absent family members, and now we’re back.”

“And at the doctor’s?”

“… fine. It was just a check-up. To see how the meds are doing.”

“Okay. Good.”

“Hey…”

“Yeah?”

“Remember I told you Mikael invited us to his place?”

“Hm-mm.”

“He asked if we want to go this Friday. They’re shooting something there.”

“Shooting?”

“Yeah, he has a YouTube channel and wants me to be on it. He told me to bring you so you can meet properly.”

“Okay, cool. What’s the channel about? Are you going to be a celebrity?”

“Oh, definitely, that’s the only reason I’m going. They talk about movies…”

“Ah.”

“… and shows, mostly. And games, sometimes.”

“Who’s _they_?”

“Mikael and a couple other people from Bakka.”

“The ones I met at your place?”

“My place?”

“Yeah. Cardamom day, remember? Sonja arrived with some other people.”

“Oh, no, not them. They’re Sonja’s friends more than mine.”

“So are _these_ friends of yours?”

“… used to be. Do you want to go?”

“Sure.”

“Okay, good.”

“Do _you_ want me to go?”

“Of course. Can’t wait to show off my extremely pretty, extremely nice boyfriend.”

“…”

“Miss you.”

“See you tomorrow?”

“Yeah. I’ll come over and we’ll do something.”

“ _Do something_?”

“… I was thinking of going to see a movie, but if you just want to stay in, I’m not complaining.”

“I wasn’t… ah, fine. We can do something and _do something_ , how about that?”

“Sounds perfect. Now I’ll be thinking about _doing_ _something_ all night.”

“I’m hanging up.”

“Are your roommates around?”

“Eskild is always around.”

“ _Say hi to Even!_ ”

“Say hi back.”

“ _No_. I—go away, Eskild—I’m _not_ blushing—no, I’m not having phone sex!”

“You _could_ be having phone sex…”

“I’m hanging up!”

“I do have to go, though. Mom’s nagging me about cleaning up. We still have Christmas shit all over the place, I think the tree’s been here since last year.”

“Ha, okay. Good cleaning. Talk to you later.”

“Bye, baby.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: this chapter has mentions of past infidelity. More at the end notes.

_Fredag 30.12.16 kl 17.15_

Mikael greets Even with a wide smile and tight hug, then turns the smile to Isak and, after a moment’s hesitation, shakes his hand.

“Glad you guys could come,” he says. He’s no longer reticent and wide-eyed, like in the cafeteria, but excited in a way that reminds Isak of the boy in the video he watched.

He leads into the house. If Even’s room is messy, Mikael’s looks as if Netflix threw up in there. There are DVD and blu-rays everywhere; movie posters cover up the walls. And, he notices, something that looks a lot like one of Even’s drawings on a mural over the desk.

“Wow,” Isak whispers.

“Don’t let it fool you,” Mikael says, dropping on a chair and gesturing for them to sit anywhere. “I might have more crap, but Even’s the real geek. Has he forced you to watch Mary Poppins yet?”

“Oh god, yes,” Isak agrees. “That wasn’t just me?”

“You’re the latest in a long string of victims.”

“What the hell _is_ that movie?” Isak asks.

“It’s not supposed to be understood, but _felt_ ,” Even says.

“I _felt_ like I’d never get those two hours of my life back.”

Even pokes him in the ribs. “ _Anyway_ , the channel,” he says to Mikael, pointing to the camera set up in a corner of the room, in front of one of the poster-covered walls. “It’s doing well.”

“You checked it out?” Mikael asks eagerly.

Even shrugs. “I’ve been watching since you started, actually.”

Mikael blinks. Isak imagines he had that same look on his face when Even told him he was in the kosegroup to meet him.

“Well,” Mikael says, “then you know how our videos usually… oh, they’re here.”

The doorbell rings and he jumps away. A minute later the cluttered room is even smaller when two people come in: a girl with glasses and short brown hair and a guy with messy hair wearing a band t-shirt.

Even gets up. There’s a moment of silence when they look at him, and everyone stands a little frozen. Then the two newcomers practically tackle him to the ground. Even laughs, delighted, and hugs them back, and suddenly everyone’s speaking at once—

“I missed _you_!”

“You look so good!”

“You cut your hair!”

“How _are_ you?”

“Oh my god, hi! Is this your boyfriend?” The girl finally notices Isak, who gives a little wave.

“Yeah,” Even laughs. “This is Isak. Isak, Erik and Nina.”

Even looks—not just happy. He’s looked happy before. Isak is pretty confident _he_ makes him happy, but now it’s as if a weight’s been taken from his shoulders. He seems relaxed. At peace. Isak feels the same just from seeing it.

They settle on any available surfaces, Even sitting with an arm around Isak, and his friends begin questioning him about life and Nissen.

“Not so bad,” Even says, then tilts his head to bump Isak’s. “Found him.”

“Aw,” Nina coos.

“There’s some cool people in third year. And his friends are cool too.”

“That’s debatable.”

Erik leans forward, eyes on him. “So, um… we heard good things about you, Isak.”

There’s a moment of silence. Isak felt, so far in the conversation, that they were making an effort to skirt around delicate topics—like the reason for Even leaving, and Sonja.

“You did?” he asks carefully.

Erik nods. “Sonja said you were sweet.”

“Which, all things considered, must mean you’re _really_ great,” Nina adds.

“She’s cool too,” he says.

“How…” Even clears his throat. “How is she?”

“We haven't really seen her,” Mikael clarifies. 

“But I spoke to Elise the other day and seems she’s doing well, though,” Nina says. 

Even nods. “That’s good.”

“Did…” Nina glances at Isak like she’s not sure how much she can say. “Did things with her end well?”

Even scoffs. “When do I end things well?”

Isak frowns at his bitter tone, but Mikael cuts through the ensuing moment of silence. “Enough talking about your ex in front of your boyfriend. We haven’t even told you the latest from the Bakka alumni, _and_ we still have a video to shoot. Shall we?”

When the videos are finally shot—they insist that Even stick around for three, and Isak is not surprised to find out Even can speak well about a number of things, even without previous warning—they leave Mikael’s house, Even promising to show up more and even agreeing to, maybe, consider having Facebook or Instagram again.

Isak takes his hand. “I like them. And they all looked ecstatic to see you. I can’ believe you weren’t speaking with them.”

Even bites his bottom lip. “I sort of disappeared after last year. And I think… they were waiting for Mikael to come around first.”

Isak nods slowly, hesitates. Then: “Something happened with Mikael.” It’s half question, half statement.

Even’s lips twist, but he gives the smallest nod.

Isak stops suddenly, pulling his hand. “Hey.” He points. “Want some kebab?”

A while later they’re sitting in a park bench, the light slowly fading on the horizon and a cold breeze making him want to bury his face in Even’s neck. Isak tells a random story Jonas told him the other day. The story ends and he keeps eating. A patient silence settles between them.

Even takes a few deep breaths, then stops pretending to eat.

“Mikael and I were friends since primary school,” he starts, staring ahead. “A couple of years ago, in our second year, he got a girlfriend. Ida. I was already with Sonja. She and Mikael weren’t great friends, but they got along. And Ida was great. She and Sonja liked each other, and I became good friends with her. So the four of us used to hang out all the time. Then… last year. I had an episode. You heard the rumors.”

Isak nods. “You wrote some things…”

“Yeah. That was embarrassing, but not the worst part.” He shakes his head, frowning. “It’s so weird thinking about that time. It doesn’t seem real, like it was _me_ making those decisions. I don’t even remember all of it—parts of it are blank, like I blacked out. But I do remember some. And, anyway, it _was_ me.”

His head is down. Isak grasps one of his hands and holds it within both of his, warming it against the cold, as if he could, somehow, draw the pain and the guilt from him.

Even releases a shaky breath. “You know, at the time, I didn’t know what was going on. I just felt strange. I couldn’t sleep, I was so wired, my brain was all over the place. Like when you’re drunk and you don’t understand why something’s a bad idea? And in the middle of that, I went to Ida’s house one day. I had to give something back to her, I think, I don’t know. But… we were talking and… things happened. And Mikael found out.” His voice turns into a whisper. “He was so angry. I’d never seen him like that. The things he said… I was sure he’d never look at me again. And the worst part is that I was so out of it at the time I couldn’t even answer. It wasn’t until later that I realized what I’d done.”

 _I’m just going to hurt you_. The words come back to Isak. _And then you’ll hate me_. He presses Even’s hand, doesn’t take his eyes off of him.

“They broke up after that,” Even concludes. 

“Sonja forgave you, though,” he says.

“Yeah.”

He understands, then. “That’s why she thought you didn’t… that you were just manic. With me.”

“Yeah.”

Even turns to him, but Isak cuts him before he can speak. “I know. I _know_ it’s not the same. I told you I wouldn’t doubt it again.”

“I doubted _myself_ ,” Even admits. “Tried to stay away from you.” He takes another deep breath and goes on, the words coming out fast now, like they’re bursting out of him. “Sonja forgave and then I treated her like shit. I was so angry last year. So tired. My parents were scared, acting like… I don’t know, like I was dying, and Sonja was hurt but pretending she wasn’t, and I lost all my friends and I had to do the _whole year_ again… everything was shit and when I came here, when I saw you, it was the first time I felt anything that wasn’t terrible. And I did it all wrong. I mean, I told Sonja when we kissed, but I was going after you before that and… I don’t know, I just wasn’t thinking about what I was doing. She deserved better.” He laughs, throwing his head back, eyes closed. “And she forgave me _again_.”

“Because she loves you,” Isak says. He knows the feeling. He can understand. “And Mikael forgave you too. Eventually.”

“He said he stayed away because he thought _I_ hated him. For the things he’d said.” He shakes his head. “I couldn’t believe it, that day he saw us. I thought there was _no_ way we could ever be friends again.”

“You’d be surprised with what people will forgive once they’ve cooled off. Besides, you were sick.”

“It’s still me. Hurting people.” He swallows and looks Isak in the eye, straight on. A question and a plea. “So now you know.”

“Now I know,” he says simply, and pulls him closer until Even’s head is resting on his shoulder. He throws an arm around him and kisses every corner of his cold face he can reach.

“Hey,” he says finally. “Want to hear a story about how I’m a great liar and a much worse person than you?”

Even tilts his head to look at him. A corner of his mouth twitches. “I’m listening.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo, I was worried about this chapter. Mikael’s whereabouts have haunted me all season, as we heard nothing about him or any of Even’s other friends, except those two elusive people who showed up in episode 2 and were never mentioned again. I felt something serious had to have happened for Even not to be speaking to his old friends at all (if that is indeed the case).  
> Reading accounts from people with bipolar disorder, I found that cheating is really common during mania, due to hypersexuality, impaired judgement and poor impulse control—especially in undiagnosed or untreated cases. Hopefully the way I explained this doesn’t upset anyone. It seems to be something a lot of bipolar people struggle with, and it’s not a reflection on their character. But I’m not an expert, so let me know if you think I got it very wrong.  
> Thank you for reading and commenting. This ends tomorrow, with much less angst!


	10. Chapter 10

_Lørdag 31.12.16 kl 12.45_

“I don’t understand why _I_ have to buy you alcohol if I’m not even going to the party?” Eskild asks.

“Because Isak won’t let us ask Even,” Noora explains.

He raises his eyes from his phone. “You already used him to get third years to come, find someone else to get you drinks.”

“ _Fine_ ,” Eskild agrees. “Let’s go. Come on, Isak, stop sexting your boyfriend, we need another pair of hands.”

“I’m not sexting,” he lies from the couch.

“Oh really?”

A hand grabs his phone and Eskild sprints around the living room. Noora laughs while Isak scrambles after him.

“That’s really mature, Eskild!”

“Aw, you use hearts!” Eskild jumps over a chair and holds his phone out of Isak’s reach. “Wait, your boyfriend is in your phone as ‘Even Kosegruppa’?” he asks, disgusted. “ _Isak_.”

“I forgot to change it.”

“You’re so lazy. Let me fix this.” Eskild eyes the last few messages and raises an eyebrow to Isak, mouth curled in a grin. “Nice.”

Isak is blushing, which makes glaring a lot harder. “Stop reading my messages.”

“Alright, god! I’m not that interested in your attempts at seduction, I promise. Okay, let’s see… ‘Even heart’? How about ‘My dearest… heart’?”

“I like Kosegruppa. It’s where we met.”

“Good thing you didn’t use Grindr,” Eskild murmurs.

“What’s all this, then?” asks Linn, emerging from her bedroom. “Why are you running about?”

“Just Eskild,” Isak murmurs. “Hey, you sure you don’t want to come tonight?”

Linn stops on her tracks. “Are you kidding me? I’ll be asleep long before midnight.”

Noora pouts. “You’re welcome to show up, though. If you feel like it.”

Linn gives a little smile. “Thanks.”

“Let’s celebrate _now_ , then, since we won’t be together at the time!” Eskild says, then proceeds to jump over Linn and give her wet kisses all over the face, which she tries to escape desperately. “Come on, all of you! This is kollektiv time. We survived a whole year and still like each other, despite being way too many people for one small flat. Come on, come on.”

Isak and Noora approach carefully and find themselves enveloped in a group hug, while Eskild continues to tell them why he both hates living with them and loves them with his whole heart. Isak finds he shares the sentiment.

 

_Lørdag 31.12.16 kl 20.25_

“That’s a… lot of alcohol,” Isak comments. Chris’ kitchen is stacked like the world is set to end and this is their last chance to enjoy themselves.

“Eskild doesn’t do things halfway,” Chris explains. “Suit yourselves.”

The house is filling up. It’s a large place, full of guest rooms Isak guesses will be used in terrible ways before the night is over and a pool in which someone will definitely fall or be thrown. Even picks up a beer for himself and hands one to Isak.

“So, does _Eskild_ know?” he asks, resuming his latest favorite topic. “About your sneaky schemes?”

Isak sighs. “Not that I know of, and let’s keep it that way.” Even laughs and he rolls his eyes. “You’re enjoying this way too much. I could’ve ruined their relationship.”

“I see where you got the skills,” Even teases, poking him in the ribs. “You know, for getting me.”

Isak gasps. “I can’t _believe_ you think I wanted your relationship to be over.” He shakes his head. “I never wished for anything but the _best_ for you and Sonja.”

“Uh-uh,” Even murmurs. 

“Hey, it’s Evak!” a familiar excited voice exclaims, and they turn to find Magnus smiling widely. He bypasses Isak completely to give Even a hug.

“Hey, guys,” Mahdi greets them.

“What’s up?” Jonas asks.

“So, are we getting you two girls tonight or what?” Even asks Mahdi and Jonas.

“Yes, please,” Mahdi agrees enthusiastically. “Teach me your ways.”

“I think I’m good,” Jonas says.

“Oh yeah, because of your reputation,” Magnus laughs.

“Reputation?” Even asks.

“He goes down on girls,” Magnus explains.

Jonas gives a small shrug, as if it’s all in a day.

“Good for you,” Even grins. “Maybe you guys should start considering it.”

“I thought for sure Isak did,” Magnus muses, “cause he hooked up so much. But I’m guessing no, huh?”

Isak sighs and ignores Even shaking with laughter by his side.

“Well, you’re in luck,” Even says. “You know the dancing chicks you guys like to watch?”

“Yes,” the three of them answer in unison.

“I heard they might be stopping by.”

“Oh my god, and I’m _dating_ ,” Magnus groans.

“If it makes you feel any better,” Isak says, “you probably wouldn’t hook up with them anyway.”

Magnus just looks at Even. “Your boyfriend is the _worst_.”

 

_Lørdag 31.12.16 kl 21.40_

Eva is somehow already drunk and throws her arms around him.

“Iiiiiisaaaak,” she drawls. “Come here. Let’s talk about boys.”

He laughs, holding her up. “Really?”

“Yeah, we can compare notes! This is going to be so much fun!”

“I have a boyfriend, though.”

She rolls her eyes. “Yes, you're dating the most handsome boy in the room, we _know_. But you can still _look around_. I… Noora!” she changes her mind when Noora passes them and trades him for her friend. Noora laughs, looking happier, and possible more inebriated, than she’s been in a while. “I love you, Noora! You too, Isak. I love all my friends.”

“Okay,” Isak says. “So, hooking up with anyone tonight?”

“We don’t need boys,” Eva slurs, her arms around Noora’s waist, her head on her shoulders. 

Noora nods, hugging her back. “That’s right, we’re gonna have a wonderful New Year’s without even _thinking_ of them.”

Isak spots Even speaking to Sana on the other side of the room and smiles. “Don’t mind me if _I_ do,” he says, and leaves them cuddling on a couch.

 

_Lørdag 31.12.16 kl 22.36_

Even really does have friends on his year, and they’re pretty cool. There’s not a lot of contact between second and third years, but Even bridges the distance tonight and makes introductions and generally seems at his element. It’s nice to see him surrounded by friends, to know he’s not alone and that people care for him as much as Isak.

Well, not as much as Isak, but a lot, by the look of it.

Even’s got another beer in his hands and takes Isak around the room, greeting people and introducing him as his boyfriend. Isak's a little awkward at first, but clearly every single third year is aware they’re together and know his name and some actually _tease_ Even about him, so he’s pretty sure Even’s been talking about him. Soon he's walking around with a smug grin on his face.

They’re leaning on a wall overlooking the party, Even with a hand around his waist, when he spots Jonas in the arms of a blonde ‘98er.

“So _he_ 's happy,” he whispers to Even.

“Mahdi also seems on his way to success,” Even replies, nodding at another dark corner.

“I don’t even want to know where Magnus is.” Isak doesn’t see him anywhere. “I hope they go ruin Chris’ bedroom. I don’t see why I’m the only one who has to suffer.”

Even grins. “All your friends seem pretty occupied, actually.”

Isak follows his gaze and finds Eva and Noora making out on a couch. He raises an eyebrow. “I… didn’t see that coming.”

Even laughs. “So. Am _I_ getting lucky or what?”

Isak smiles. The music is loud, echoing in his chest. They’re in a room filled with people from school, everyone he knows, everyone he sees on a daily basis, and he finds there is no hesitation in him when he pulls Even close.

 

_Lørdag 31.12.16 kl 23.48_

Even’s picks up another beer. It’s his third in the evening.

Isak doesn’t want to obsess over this. He remembers Even speaking about Sonja being controlling, and though Even was mostly talking about feelings, he knows part of it was this sort of monitoring. Stop drinking. Stop smoking. He doesn’t want to be a caretaker, doesn’t want Even to feel trapped with him like he felt with Sonja, but now that he knows that it’s not good for him—that it might lead him faster into an episode, and that he should definitely _not_ do it while taking his meds—he can't help but feeling like this, worry pooling in his stomach, making him restless and distracted.  

It shows. Even tilts his head. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Isak says, looking away.

Even frowns, then looks at the bottle he's holding and understands. He raises Isak's face to him and puts his mouth close to his ear so Isak will hear him over the noise. “One beer isn’t going to…”

“I know, I'm sorry. I just…”

He looks down, runs a hand through his hair. Even hesitates, then takes his hand. He leads Isak into a hallway and then the nearest empty room and closes the door. The music and noise become muffled and it’s like they entered a small bubble. 

Even sets the beer on a side table and takes his hands, entwines their fingers. Waits for Isak to look up.

“I know I scared you.”

He swallows. “I don’t want to ruin New Year’s,” he mutters. “It doesn’t matter. We can talk some other time.”

Even comes closer, softly, until their foreheads are touching. “Just tell me.”

Isak sighs, closes his eyes, takes a deep breath. One day at a time, he’d said. One hour. One minute. In this minute, he thinks, I’ll be honest.

“I don’t want to be like her,” he murmurs. “I don’t want you to resent me.”

“I don’t resent her.” When Isak looks at him, he adds, “Alright, maybe I did. A little. At times. She was worried, but she was right to be.”

“Yeah, but didn’t stop you from being annoyed and feeling she was controlling.”

Even looks down. He doesn’t know the right way to do this either, Isak realizes, and it both relieves and alarms him.

“What if the same thing happens to us and you get sick of me?”

Even frowns as if saying _That’ll never happen_ , but it doesn’t calm him. Even probably never thought it’d happen with Sonja either. Isak tries to swallow the panic but fails. He was chill for Even when Even needed him to be—calm and confident when Even was hopeless and doubting—but now that Even’s _here_ , that he doesn’t need Isak to be strong for the two of them, fear starts leaking out.

“And,” he continues, hating the way his voice cracks, “I don’t want to be like, on your case all the time, but what if you _are_ having a manic period and you want to do something risky or, I don’t know, that you just don’t realize you shouldn’t be doing—do I not say anything? How do I know you’re drinking because you want to and know your limits or because you’re not thinking it’s hurting you but it actually _is_? I mean, forty five percent of people with bipolar disorder have problems with alcohol an—”

“What?” Even tilts his head. “How do you know that?”

He blinks. “I read it.”

Even’s lips curl upwards. “You did _research_?”

“Well, yeah. Of course. Why are you laughing? Did you _hear_ the statistics?”

“I did hear the statistics.” Even’s smiling so hard his eyes crinkle at the corners. “They’re very serious. I’ll keep them in mind. I love you.”

Isak’s heart flips over in his chest. “Oh.” He stares at Even for a shocked moment. “I love you too,” he whispers.

The party continues in another place. Even runs a hand through his hair, kisses his face, his mouth, breathes him in, and Isak closes his eyes, letting himself believe everything will be okay, letting himself enjoy the fact that, despite what might come next, this is real. This is true.

He opens his eyes and finds Even looking at him, eyes piercing and intent, like he’s trying to figure something out.

“In this minute,” Even says, nodding at his beer, “I’m just going to leave that there.”

Isak manages a weak smile. “That’s chill.”

“That’s chill. And, uh… what if,” Even goes on, “I let you know when I’m feeling a bit hyper, and you’ll know that I might need you to step in.”

Isak swallows. “That’d be good.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Even trails his fingers down his jaw, fingertips playing a song on his skin. “That was a fast minute. Any thoughts on how to spend the rest of it?”

Isak glances at the empty room and grins. He puts a hand on Even’s neck to bring him close and kisses him slowly, savoring every moment, thinking of nothing else.

The countdown begins outside and he realizes there is nowhere else he’d rather be.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH MY GOD THIS IS IT! 
> 
> This was so much fun to write. I started to deal with end-of-the-season withdrawal and to fill some gaps I wish we’d seen on the show, and a lot more of you joined me than I expected. 
> 
> So thank you very much for reading and commenting and talking with me about how we miss them. I said pretty much all I had to say on this fic, so I don’t know if I’ll write them again, but you can find me on Tumblr, where I’m mostly a SKAM blog these days. Stay strong and we’ll see them again in 2017!
> 
> HAPPY NEW YEAR!

**Author's Note:**

> Halla! These are a collection of more self-indulgent scenes I need to get out of my head, because these two are really soft and make me want to write all the fluff. You don’t have to read the previous story, but it follows from that!  
> I’m doing the show format and posting at random times. The number of chapters is as reliable as NRK’s timeslots and may be changed at the last minute.  
> The title is another Birdy song and you can find me on [Tumblr](http://sonhoedesrazao.tumblr.com). Thank you for reading. ❤


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